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Laipply offers ‘Remedial Romance’ tips
April 10, 2003 | |||||
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KOKOMO, Ind.—Unlucky at love? Do your dates turn out to be duds? There is hope, says dating guru Jud Laipply. But, you have to be willing to 1) Take some risks, and 2) Change what you’re doing that isn’t working in your favor. Brought to IU Kokomo March 27 by the Office of Student Activities, Laipply tossed out advice, laughs and candy bars during a Creative Dating workshop, attended by students, faculty and staff. Some people keep getting into unhappy relationships, Laipply said, for the same reason that they tend to buy the same style of underwear over and over again. “Human beings resist change,” he said. “They keep picking up what’s comfortable.” Instead of repeating bad patterns with successive partners, those in the dating game need to examine failed relationships. “Each relationship can teach you something,” he said. One of the worst patterns to repeat is attempting to control a relationship by constantly trying harder, Laipply asserted. “The person who loves, cares or tries THE LEAST has the most control,” he said. “That person has the least invested in the relationship, but gets everything he or she needs out of it.” To find out if you’re the controller or the controllee in a twosome, Laipply suggested a simple experiment. “From Wednesday through Saturday, have no contact with the other person—none!” he instructed. “If that person doesn’t even know you’re gone, that person is in control.” Appearing too needy, especially early in a relationship, is the downfall of many “nice guys,” Laipply said. “A good guy, who claims ‘I’ll always be there for you,’ may seem predictable and boring,” Laipply said. “Bad boys are unpredictable and exciting to women. They don’t place women as their number one priority. They’re a challenge to win over, so women think they must be worth having.” And, the one thing all human beings want, Laipply stressed, “is what they can’t have.” Unpredictability can be good for a relationship when it’s used, not to control, but to express genuine romantic feelings, according to Laipply. “Being romantic is not about spending lots of money,” he said. “It’s doing the unexpected thing at the unexpected time.” Mates can bring out the “Ahhhhhh” response in each other, he said, with simple special gestures such as sending flowers on a day other than Valentine’s Day, sharing private jokes or memories, and taking a class together to learn more about each other. All dating relationships start with emotional risks, Laipply said. For example, when you meet someone interesting, should you ask for that person’s phone number? Should you give out your phone number? Will the other person actually call? Laipply joked that men are bound by the “49–71 hours rule” of calling potential dates. “They’ll look too desperate if they call before 49 hours after you’ve met them, and [too much like they’ve got other prospects] if they call after 71 hours,” he said. A man might not call for a number of reasons, he added. “He never intended to call and was just too gutless to admit it. He was under the influence of alcohol and didn’t remember. He’s already taken and was just flirting,” Laipply ticked off. But, at the heart of most cases, the speaker added, is a risk: “He can’t get rejected if he doesn’t call.” A woman can compound the fear of rejection by giving a bogus phone number to a well-intentioned suitor who just isn’t her type, Laipply said. “That is EVIL!” he scolded the audience in mock seriousness. “That depressed individual will be hurt so much more than if you didn’t give him your number in the first place.” [Pests who won’t go away after several polite “No, thanks,” however, deserve to get the weather service phone number, he added.] Bottom line for both genders, Laipply said: “If you’re not interested, have the heart to tell the other person.” If you are attracted to someone, he urged, “don’t waste time” by not speaking up and not inviting him or her out. “It just mean less time that you’ll have with that person, if things work out.”
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